"Thy Will Be Done"

A REFLECTION ON THE LAST MOMENTS OF STONEWALL JACKSON’S LIFE THROUGH THE EYES OF HIS WIFE

The lights were dim as I sat by his side. The bitterness and the beauty of the situation had long since penetrated my heart and soul. As I glanced out the window and watched, the first rays of light spill out over the vast valley a lump rose in my throat. Tom had always wanted to go home to heaven on a Sunday and now his wish was coming true.
I bit down on my trembling lip as I clung to his remaining hand with both of mine. How horrified I had been the first day I saw Tom after he was wounded in battle by friendly fire. I almost cried out in fright when I noticed his missing arm, but I was so overwhelmed by shock that nothing escaped my lips. His face was so flushed. I knew the end had to be near.
I was surprised that Tom recognized me at once when I walked into the room. He could see into my heart and knew I was filled with worries and concerns. Of course he encouraged me to pray, but to always include, “Thy will be done…” at the close of every petition.
Thomas Jackson “Stonewall” a kinder more loving husband no one could find. He was a man of God and taught me so many valuable lessons by how he lived his life. He had complete trust in God no matter what he was going through. Whether he was at home, in the classroom, or on the battlefield he committed himself wholeheartedly to the God and Father of his soul.
He slowly woke up from his restless sleep as the sun shone brighter through the window. He tried to smile at me, but his body was so weary. I drew my face near to his and whispered between tears. “Before this day is over you will be with God.”
“I prefer it, I prefer it.” He answered. Pain was etched in his face as I held his hand tighter.
I knew he was ready to leave this world behind and to take hold of eternity. However, I myself felt crushed and broken. I held on to verses Tom and I had read so many times. I knew God would uphold me in days to come.
“It is very good…” He smiled.
I patted his hand. I knew his time was drawing nearer every second. I clung to him knowing it would be the last time on earth that my dear Tom would be with me, but I knew my Lord and Savior would never leave.
He is sovereign. Tom was confident of this and I knew I had to rest in God’s arms as well. He knew what He was doing and I needed to trust Him. I was overwhelmed with tears, but overshadowed with God’s love and care. I bowed my head and whispered through trembling lips, “Thy will be done.”

A Dream

One night as I slept I dreamed a dream. I found myself upon the high seas in a small fishing boat as waves raged about me. Fright filled my heart and I began to weep and cry.

I called to God in the midst of my troubles and questioned. “Oh, Lord, what am I to do? Do you not care for your servant?”

I heard no reply. The storm grew angrier than ever and raged for hours without end. I was at the point of despairing when a bright, radiant light shone about me as I fell to the bottom of the boat.

I heard a loud voice speak to me from out of the light. “My, Child, be still and calm. Come with me for I have much to show you.”

He took my trembling hand in His and swept me away, somewhere that I had never seen before.

I saw someone I did not recognize in a boat much like my own.

“Watch now,” The man said. “I want you to learn a very valuable lesson.”

I watched the man go through life. He had his share of both storm and sun. One thing I did notice, though, that while this man went through storm after storm and struggled as the wind and water raged God did little to help him. The strange thing was the man seemed to be at peace no matter what he was going through.

I turned to the one who held my hand and I looked at him with questioning eyes. “Why? Why, did you not help this man and stop the storms from tormenting him? “

The man’s gaze was compassionate. “Child, of little faith, I am God, and I can do whatever I like. I could stop every storm from tormenting my children. I could perform the wonders and miracles that you desire, but I want to give my children so much more than that.

If I calmed all their storms and quieted all their seas, they would miss so much about Me. They would never feel the warmth of my embrace or My love that holds them safe. They would never be able to see through the eyes of faith what feelings always miss. They would have the miracle they wanted, but they would not know the one who made it.

Yes, I do miracles, but not always the ones people ask for. They ask Me to calm their storms, but instead I calm them.

Held in Loving Hands

"Do not fear, for I am with you; so not be anxiously look about You, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

--Isaiah 41:10

Strewn leaves lay across the path that led through the woods to Joy’s favorite thinking spot. The place was at the edge of a large pond surrounded by tall oak trees. A bench provided a place for Joy to sit down and enjoy the beauty of God’s creation as she meditated on His Word and spent time in prayer. Joy had discovered this spot not long after arriving at Bible College in the early fall. Her parents and younger siblings had dropped her off and said a tearful goodbye. Joy loved her classes and the challenges her professors presented. Living in the beautiful northern Pennsylvanian mountains took Joy’s breath away.

Today, however, seemed gray and gloomy even though the sun shone brightly overhead. Joy’s heart was weighed down with a secret burden that seemed so silly and insignificant, but caused her great agony in her spirit. She sat down on the bench and gazed out across the pond. She picked up a stone and through it at the peaceful water. She tried to smile and enjoy the beauty of God’s creation around her, but her throat constricted and her eyes became blurry. A tear slipped down her cheek, which was quickly wiped away.

Joy let out a deep and weary breath and rested her head in her hands. “God, I can’t go on…I don’t want to go on. Why does my heart have too hurt so much? Why can’t I be like the other girls in my dorm and not get homesick at all?” She shook her head. “I wanted to leave home so bad…I was ready to take on the world, but I never thought my heart would ache like this.”

Joy looked up as a flock of Canadian geese took off flying from where they had been on the pond. “Father, I want to live for You; I want my life to be spent glorifying Your name, but I can’t even get through a day without feeling this agony wash over my spirit. Such a great pressure weighs upon my heart to be home. How am I going to last the eleven and a half weeks before Christmas break? Oh, Christ, only through Your grace can I survive.”

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A weeks passed and Joy experienced highs and lows. She pushed on in her studies and worked diligently on the projects she had due. She enjoyed spending time at church and getting involved in children’s church, working with two and three year olds. She felt right at home with the little children and loved every moment she spent with them. She desperately missed her little sisters and brothers. Monday evenings she attend the Student Missionary Fellowship on campus. Tuesdays Joy stayed busy in the afternoons helping out in the alumni and church relations office: calling alumni, labeling letters, and other secretarial work. Her days were full, but somehow empty.

Some of her favorite times were spent running on campus. She used the time to listen to sermons on her MP3 player, and talk to God. She ran down by the pond and around the soccer field. The time was special as she found strength in the Lord through His Word.

However, one night Joy’s heart broke down with sadness. The phone call from her family was just what she needed, but it also left her longing for more. She could not hold back the tide of tears the had threatened to spill down her cheeks countless times before. She cried until she could cry no more, and then she surrendered.

“Oh, God, I can’t keep fighting you. You brought me here so far away from home, and by Your strength I will remain here. I won’t quit, but I can’t make it on my own. I am hurting so much, and I don’t think anyone else could possibly understand. I feel like a complete wimp, but I have never hurt so much before in my life.” She wiped her eyes. “Father, forgive me for not submitting to your will---even though I am hurting, I will press on. You are my God and You are the one I will serve.”

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The next day Joy walked down her path to the bench by the pond. She sat down and bowed her head. Turmoil still churned in her being, but a quiet peace settled over her heart. She gazed out over the pond and smiled as she watched squirrels playing in a nearby tree. “Lord, I am yours. You brought me here for a reason and until You say my time here is over then I will stay. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I miss my family. Father, You never promised that this life would be easy. I am to count it all joy when I face trials---help me do that now. Help me rejoice during this time when I feel all alone. I love You, Father, I love you because of Your love for me.” She sighed.

Joy sat on the bench in silence just sitting and enjoying the scenery around her. She knew her pleas had been heard, that she was held in loving hands that completely understood the depth of her soul. Hands that were also willing to inflict pain in order to allow growth---to place her in the flames in order to refine her soul. Her eyes lifted to heaven and she smiled.

“Lord, You are the one who raises me up when I cannot stand, You hold me When I cannot walk, You comfort me when my heart is overwhelmed, and You are with me---always.”

A Prayer

"Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth."

-- Paul (Colossians 3:1-2)

She sat quietly by the shallow creek on an old fallen log. Her feet dangled in the cool water as warm tears streamed down her cheeks. Her face was dirty from rubbing her eyes with her grimy hands, and her messy hair spilled over her shoulders. The hurt of the past several days poured forth from her broken heart as her small frame trembled and quiet sobs escaped her lips.

She closed her eyes and was back at yard surrounded by a picket fence. The yard was filled with rows of wooden crosses. Near the back was a fresh mound of dirt with a new cross marking the grave of her little brother. Will had just turned six two weeks ago and now he was gone. He had been her best friend---the joy that pulled her through each day.

She swallowed and rubbed her red eyes. Her mind traveled back to the weeks before Will had died. The doctor did not know what was the matter with Will. They were to nurse the little boy and make him as comfortable as possible. Maybe he would pull through...but he did not. She sat by his bedside constantly. At times, her mother urged her to leave and get some rest or eat something, but the girl could not leave her brother.

The day before Will died, she sat by his bed as he came in and out of consciousness, and she burst into tears. Will opened his eyes and smiled at her, "Anna, don't cry. Don't you know I'll be going home soon?"

"Will, I don't want ya to leave. You're my best friend---I'll be all alone if you leave."

The six-year-old smiled and shook his head. "No you won't, Jesus will always be with you. You're the one who told me that, remember?"

Anna nodded, but tears still spilled down her cheeks. "I know, but I'll miss you so much. Who will go on walks with me in the forest or go fishing with me down by the creek? Who will help me climb trees or tell me what color the sky is when the sun is setting? You are my eyes, Will, and my legs---how will I make it without you. No one else cares like you do."

Will took her hand in his and whispered, "Anna, Mama always says to pray no matter what. Let me be your eyes one more time," He paused for a moment. "Jesus, soon I'll be coming home to be with You and I am exited and happy, but Anna is sad because she can't come yet. Help her not to give up. Please be her eyes since I won't be here anymore to help her see. When she can't see how beautiful the pink and golden sunset is let her heart remember that one day she'll see You. And when she can't remember how the creek winds around the countryside like a snake, its crystal water overflowing the banks and watering the spring flowers then help her understand that one day she'll see the New Earth You’re going to make which will be much better than our little creek here. And when she doesn't have anybody to pull her up our special tree fort or help her walk in the fields please remind her that someday she'll be able to run with me when she's finally home. Help her see what eyes can't see, but only faith can. Amen."

His eyelids drooped and his breathing became shallower. He squeezed Anna's hand and then passed back into unconsciousness. Anna suppressed her sobs. Her mother knelt by the bed next to her---tears streamed down her own eyes.

"Oh, Mama, I need him. I don't want God to take him."

Anna's mother wrapped her arms around her and stroked her brown hair. "I know, Anna, but Will is not ours. He belongs to Jesus and we must be willing to let him go no matter how much it hurts."

"But my heart will be broken forever." Anna sobbed.

"God may break our hearts, Anna, but He is also the one who heals them. Remember what your brother just prayed---see what only faith can see."

"But what is that?"

"That this life is not the end---that someday we will be where Will is going---where Jesus is. Fix your eyes on eternity, Anna, on what will never end."

Anna returned from her memories of Will and found herself still on the bank of their little creek. She missed her brother more then words could express. She felt like her world was now darker than it ever had been before. However, as she sat on the log, she remembered her brother's prayer and decided to see what only faith could see. Someday the dark world she lived in would melt into glorious beauty and she would be able to walk, run, and climb.

"Jesus, let me see what only faith can see. Let me know that this is not the end."

She stood up from her log and reached for her sturdy walking stick. She limped down the path that led to her house where her mother would be preparing dinner and her father would be cleaning up from a long day of plowing in the fields. Life continued on, and someday Anna knew that her darkness would be turned to light.